Ten commandments for dating my daughter
I cannot begin to count the sweaters, skirts, and tops she “borrowed” without asking and subsequently stained, stretched out of shape, or simply never returned.
She snooped in everything, demanded explanations for doodles in my school notebooks, even beat the stuffing out of me one afternoon when she found some money in something of mine—I wasn’t allowed to have money until I got a job in high school, and then, only as much as she allowed me to have for bus fare and school lunches.
I actually did rebel and set a boundary when I was about 16…
We lived about a block from the beach and every afternoon I went down there with a towel, my books, and the dog, and did my homework while working on my tan.
When I had boils (which I did during childhood—lots of them), I was not allowed to object or protest or even cry out in pain when she sat on me (to hold me still, she said) and squeezed them.
I had no dominion over my own body whatsoever—any physical boundaries I might try to set were trampled with hob-nailed boots.
Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of accomplishment and approval. Only those you love can tell you what is important and what’s not.
Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t change when you grow up.
Somehow I expected that when I turned 18, not only would I have boundaries, but NM would be obligated to respect them. I had never thought of myself as being an extension of my mother until I learned about boundaries: the better your boundaries, the more autonomous you are…and I was not allowed to be autonomous, nor was I allowed to have boundaries.
To even hint at having them was to invite a retaliatory rage; to give away the slightest feeling of dismay or displeasure at having my boundaries violated risked indignance, aroused suspicions, and punishment.
“Personal boundaries define you as an individual, outlining your likes and dislikes, and setting the distances you allow others to approach.
They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.” If you are the child of a Narcissist and/or grew up in a dysfunctional family, you have been raised to have no boundaries.